Dream... well, more like a nightmare.

Last night Derek was working late so I was on my own for the bedtime routine.  No biggie, really.  It just takes a little more planning when I'm solo.  Our routine usually goes a little something like this:

-Turn on some show for the kids around 7:00.
-Put pajamas on while they are watching show.
-Brush teeth when show is over.
-Read a few books (typically in Lincoln's room) to both kids.  Sometimes one kid will lean towards wanting to read with one of us so we seperate and each take a kid.  Other times Derek and I each read to a kid but in the same room.  And, sometimes one of us ends up reading and the other goes and does whatever needs to be done around the house or to prepare for the next day.

We did our usual routine, but after brushing teeth I wandered into Amelia's room with her and called to Lincoln that we were reading and he should come join us.  He had had a busy day with school and playing with cousins and it was obvious how tired he was by his reaction to this.  He was so bothered by us not reading in his room.  I had already sat down with Amelia and explained I was more than willing to read, but that I was reading right where I was.  I'm a little stubborn and felt I needed to stand my ground, especially when he had such a meltdown over it.  Well, he was just as stubborn and cried from his room the entire time.  I continually called for him to join us but he never did. 

Anyway, I put Amelia to bed and then went into Lincoln's room.  As I knew he would, he wanted to read and I explained that I had already read and he had made the choice not to join us.  Obviously he wasn't very happy about this and repeatedly pouted about reading a "short book."  It broke my heart to say no, but, like I said, I felt I needed to prove my point and stand my ground.  I didn't want him to think that his behavior was okay and that he'd be able to get away with it in the future.  And, I figured since he was so upset about it, maybe this would be a time that he wouldn't soon forget. 

Like I figured he would, he fell asleep fast and without a fight. 

The reason I explain this story with such detail is because of the dream I had last night.  I dreamt that, for some unknown reason, Lincoln had died.  In the dream, it was as if I was living today and that he had died sometime in the night after I had put him to bed but before he had woken up this morning.

The dream felt so frighteningly real and I can remember being in the dream and thinking, "This has got to be a dream, I need to wake up," but I didn't wake up right then and it made it seem even more real.  I can remember feeling so overwhelmingly guilty for not reading to him and assuming that tomorrow was such a certainty.  I had no more time with him.  I would never see him again, hear his laugh, touch his face or hear him begging for me to read to him ever again.  I felt so empty.  I was so distraught in the dream and was driving some large car or truck and could not see where I was going.  It really felt like I was losing my mind.  It was probably the worst dream I've ever had.  When I woke up it took a minute to remember the dream and I even had to tell myself it wasn't real and that Lincoln was asleep in the next room.  Such a relief.

This morning Amelia was the first one up and we headed out to the kitchen to get milk.  It was only a few minutes before I heard Lincoln's door open and saw his beautiful little face heading toward the kitchen.  He came over to me to give me his usual morning hug.  I knelt down and put my arms around him as tears ran down my cheeks.  I was so thankful to hug and kiss him.

It's so amazing how kids are such a part of you.  I know I do my fair share of whining and complaining about how difficult being a parent can be.  But, guess what I noticed the other day?  I was killing time and looking through the pictures on my phone and nearly every single one was of Lincoln or Amelia.  They can be challenging and frustrating and make me feel crazy sometimes, but, I really can't imagine my life without their beautiful little faces.  They are amazing.