Every now and then I have had those closest to me say something about a certain way that I am or way that I do things. Most of the time I know they are accurate. Other times, though, I don't feel like it is actually me that they are describing or talking about. Whenever this happens, it usually gets me thinking about who I am and how I portray myself and whether or not what everyone else sees is accurate - at least accurate as I know it.
For example, when Derek and I had first met in art class, we randomly ended up in a group together with about 4 other people. As we all set out to do a group project, everyone but one guy was giving input and working together. When our paper was finished, that one guy volunteered to go home and type it up for us. I surprised myself when I said something (and maybe I was a little bratty about it) about how he hadn't helped up to that point and now he wanted to type it. Really?!
After class Derek and I usually walked in the same direction and on that day I found myself walking with him and concerned about how I had come across to him. I said something along the lines of, "I wasn't a bitch, was I?" He just shrugged his shoulders. I can laugh at it now, but at the time I was embaressed and worried that I had made a bad impression on him. I worried because I had surprised myself by saying something to that guy, but it was really how I'd felt. I know I may have seemed rude, but I don't consider myself a rude person.
Another example is just the other day while talking to my mom and stepdad they told me that they have a little inside joke when my mom gets off the phone with me. My stepdad told me that he will sometimes say, "What's Krystal stressed out about now?" This is one of those things that I know is true about me. I do stress. But, I hope I'm not one those people that seem crazy stressed all the time and all they do is complain about what stresses them out. I feel like it's something I try to work on daily by reminding myself of people that I know and want to be like in the stress-free (or less-stress) department. *nudges Autumn*
I'm not unrealistic by expecting to have no stress because I know that's impossible. But I know I need to work on letting the little things go.
I've also been described by someone (I can't remember who it was) as high-strung. Who wants to be that? Or overly emotional? Or overly chatty and known as someone who gives too much information?
In books and movies, I've always loved the characters that don't say too much and seem to really think things through before acting or talking. As much as I admire that, I don't feel like it's me. Not that I walk around saying whatever the hell comes to mind. Obviously I have some filters working, but maybe not all of them.
The odd thing, too, is that as much as I love those kind of people, I turn right around and admire people like Pink who seem to embrace who they are, say what they feel, and do what they want and don't worry about tip-toeing around and trying to please anyone. I also really loved Sandra Bullock's character on Forces of Nature - she's wild and crazy and lives without worrying about what people think.
It's almost like I'm all jumbled up and don't really know what kind of person I am... I think mainly because I can be up-tight, I can be relaxed (at least I think so), I can get stressed, I can shy away from confrontation, I can be confrontational, I can be overly emotional, and sometimes I feel like I should be more emotional about something than I actually am. I feel like a flippin' teenager for crying out loud. Who am I?!
The crazy thing is that as much as I try to be a certain way (like less stressed or more quiet), it's almost as though I can't... because that's just not me. I talk a lot and I talk fast. I cry a lot because I'm happy and because I'm sad. I can have attitude if you push my buttons but I can also have empathy for others.
I guess a question that I have is this - Do you think that you can change the way you are - the traits that you have? Or, do you think that's just the way you are and as much as you may try to hold it in, it's going to come out eventually?
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4 comments:
Oh, I could write chapters on this one...I hear you loud and clear and have had a lifelong battle in this arena.
I so appreciate your honesty here -that alone demonstrates what an amazing person you are. We all do an say things we regret - and yes, although we may be able to filter better as we get older (and dare I say, wiser?), the words that come out of our mouths are rarely a complete reflection of our true character. I'm learning that most of the time, what I say goes in one ear and out the other anyway. Turns out that we alone are our own worst critics - this I realize more everyday. I say just be you - say and be whoever YOU are! As long as it's real. Don't let your 'self voice' try and talk you out of it just to please somebody else. The real you - even if it might be flawed at times - will get buried if you do that. Plus, you can always apologize later (if necessary...)
End of chapter 1. :) Love you!
Amen sista, I know how you feel. Just be you whatever you feel like that day. I stress too so don't worry about that. Not everyone can be as laid back as Autumn (even tho I think she has her breaking point too). Just be you. You're a great person with an amazing smile and personality.
Oh Krystal, I love who you are! Say what you want and be who you are. We all say things that we wish we didn't sometimes (yes even me!:) and that makes us human. Hopefully others will realize that.
Ha ha Krystal I sure love you.
I think as an adult you find yourself trying to define U, as a mom, couple, friend, it's like you find yourself trying to figure yourself out in the adult world! I do for sure. In defense as a mom and the stress of life, especially as a young family trying to figure out life, where to live work etc things are more stressful. I think we all are a little more stressed. I think we can better ourselves but we are who we are and nothing will ever change that.. But it's awesome cuz if there weren't some people that stress's what would the world be like right. I love you! Stay you always
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